Looking for answers?? Naaaah!!

Ever since we are little children, we envision a life that lies ahead and picture it to be so perfect and assume its a given that all we dream of will so perfectly and so flawlessly come true. A perfect degree, a perfect job, a perfect love followed by a perfect marriage and perfect babies leading on to to lot of other perfect stuff and then a perfect old age spent perfectly with perfect little grand children. Or perhaps at that age you just think up to the perfect 30 something where everything you've dreamed of will be in your kitty and life will be so smooth. Parents always protect you inside a bubble and keep you in that rosy world till you are out there on your own one fine day and that world appears alien to you. You feel like you've spent your life so far living in some sort of a parallel universe. And then life throws its fair share of challenges at you. Unimaginable situations and some you never thought your perfect life could ever encounter. You experience various emotions you never knew existed; pain, sorrow, more pain and more sorrow and you don't think you can ever make it through that time. You wake up each day wondering why this is happening to you and what you have done to deserve this, and go to bed each night trying to figure when this will pass . You try to evaluate the situation against your 'karma' theory of life that you grew up believing but nothing makes sense anymore and everything becomes a mess. You lose yourself completely in the process!

Yet you lose yourself only to find yourself again in due course as someone new, someone different and someone transformed! A survivor - a caterpillar who finally became a butterfly!! And when that happens you have developed a new level of strength that you never knew existed within. You stop looking for answers as you realise that somethings in life just don't fit into any watertight compartments and are completely random. There is no real reason why whatever happened with you, good or bad, actually took the liberty of happening to you and not to someone else.

On another note, I do still believe in Karma. But I believe in doing the first line of the karma shlok 'karmanye vadhikaraste' and then not thinking about what comes later. Maybe all the good/bad Karma does even out over several lives after all, and thats why some good things happen to bad people and bad things to good people!!

Here I go again.....looking for answers.....so much for saying I have stopped looking for answers.....LOL!! :))

Me then and now - Older and perhaps wiser :)

Just yesterday I was thinking of creating a blog where I could share my experiences, thoughts and findings(if you like) about life, as I progress on through its journey. I was reading about how to set up my own blog when I remembered vaguely that many years ago, I have in fact already set up a blog which has long been forgotten by me. I dug a little to remember how to gain access again and I landed back here.

Around 6 years have passed since I wrote the one and only post that I did here. I remember that time very well. When I was naive, innocent and filled with enthusiasm about anything and everything in life - the world was my oyster. When I started this blog I was going through a very confused and challenging time, wondering that, when I have never been mean out of intention or hurt someone, (on the contrary I always put 'human' ahead of 'being') and tried to help anyone and everyone in every manner possible, then why should I be going through this sort of a time. I used to see the world through my rosy tinted glasses and thought everything and everyone was either perfect in my life or not. If I loved someone because they were good people, then there were no flaws in them, at least none visible to my eye. But if someone was silly enough to be unfair to someone else (particularly my loved ones) or treat them badly, then they lost their place in my heart forever. It was a colourful world, and yet it was divided in to the black and the white, with no room for any shades of grey whatsoever. Then came a time where I just couldn't figure out what was going on and why. I had no control over happenings in my life and nothing was fitting in with my theory of life which I had been taught and that I believed in, since my childhood days. The theory that good things happen to good people and bad things to the bad. Some of the white in my life, had shown some unforeseen shades of grey which my processing system dismissed as unrecognised and did not quite understand. Whereas some of the black started fading away and becoming less intense. Perplexed about the situation, I just did not know what to do and simply didn't have answers to so many questions. Nor did I know where to find them. However, I did know that a few things kept me going through it all; my family and friends (blessed to have been granted the finest stock available with God) AND my sense of humor (and an occasional downpour of salt water from my eyes ;) )

I came here yesterday and read what I had posted here about describing myself, 'i'm still an enigma to myself...........trying to solve the mystery that is me.......hoping blogging assists the process :)' Unfortunately, my bogging experience was very short lived but my experience with life went on much further. Since then I have solved some mysteries about myself and about life in general - maybe not all but most certainly some!! And the work is still in progress.

No longer am I the person that I was those 6 odd years ago. I guess its safe to say that I have recognised my own shades of grey and I have learned to love them as much as every other element in myself. I have learned that it is ok to feel bad about certain things people say and/or do, and it doesn't necessarily make them good or bad. As long as they are not 'evil' everyone who matters has a set place in your heart. And I have learned to not bottle up negative thoughts inside me about people I love - they do nothing but make you miserable and certainly do not make you love those people any less.  Instead, I have learned that it helps to let off the steam somewhere where it can be absorbed with ease and without causing any damage (my main scapegoat is my husband and occasionally my parents - God bless them LOL :D ). I have learned that its good and very important to be nice, but most importantly one needs to be nice AND real. Even more important than that is to remember that no matter what emotion we sense (positive or negative), its what makes us human and void of it we wouldn't remain normal healthy human beings any longer.

I have returned here today with a commitment to not just keep my blog alive but to fill it with life through my experiences and thoughts. Be it personal issues, professional learning or random thoughts - it will be all about life and my reflections on it as I continue through this journey 'searching the ultimate truth of life!!! :) <3 br="">

Tathastu, Amen, Insha Allah!!