We all experience various feelings in different situations that we are faced with in life. Love, hate and indifference are the three dominant ones of these. We love someone/something, hate them/it or dont really care as it doesn't bother us in any specific manner.
However, most of us do experience a fourth kind of emotion. One that doesn't fit in with the crystal clear categories mentioned above nor in any others set in place by the society. Older people like to promptly sweep it under the carpet and get on with their lives, and up until a few years ago, youngsters under peer pressure or otherwise, would want to update their facebook status to it at the drop of a hat! Yes - I am talking about our very own, the very real, yet the least discussed in black and white, 'the complicated' emotion.
More often than not, this emotion is associated with a situation where the person/s experincing it are wondering whether they are in a relationship or not. However, there is so much more to the complicated emotion, that no amount of blogging space or words would be enough to do justice to its essence. Perhaps this is because its essence keeps changing in direct proportionality to the context within which it is experienced. When we speak about a complicated emotion, in general, we mean an emotion that is beyond the realms of understanding of the human mind. Our brain perhaps is void of the specific neurons required to interpret it in a form understood by the society and its beings. And it is basic human nature to try and figure something out with all his/her/its might, and when there is no other option but to give up, one would rather sweep it under the carpet and pretend nothing ever happened rather than come out of the closet (if you like) and give it a venting voice.
By now, you must be wondering what suddenly drew me to write about 'the complicated' emotion when I am happily married to a wonderful man and am blessed with a gorgeous 8 month old. As I previously mentioned in paragraph 3, this emotion doesn't always have to do with 2 people trying to figure out whether they are in a relationship or not. It could be about an infinite number of things. A son who's father wasn't a dad to him, a daughter whose dad abandoned her and so suddenly decided to return after 15 years, a reasonably good wife being jealous of her mother- in - law, an otherwise secure child suddenly becoming insecure following the birth of a sibling, or a very close old friend you don't speak with anymore because 'something happened'! In my case, it is to do with a friend who was very dear to me and perhaps who still has a set place in my heart (and perhaps I have voluntarily chosen to make that place dormant), but who I still don't speak with any longer.
A few days back one of my one time best friend's mother, who I lovingly call 'aunty' contacted me on facebook. She mentioned that she and 'uncle' speak of my always smiling face ever so often. Additionally, she sent loving blessings for me and my family. I was surprised to receive her message but at the same time that place in my heart that I had consciously frozen away, possibly thawed faster than the speed of light. In the time machine of my mind, I was taken several years back and lived those loving times so lovingly spent with them, all over again. I could smell the tangy fragrances and the luscious taste of the delicious fresh home cooked food that aunty had perhaps spent hours cooking in heat and sweat, because I was going to visit. They loved me and as I was in a strange land away from my parents, all my friend's parents ensured they looked after me and fed me like a stuffed thanksgiving turkey, till I could puke at just the thought of food. All my friends always complained that I hijack their parents. And it was true to a great extent as sometimes I found myself spending more time with their parents than with them. Somehow I loved interacting with grown ups and understanding their perspectives and thoughts on various aspects of life. And for people I love and care for, I always keep in touch irrespective of any reciprocations which I kept doing. Until that one day! That day when my dear friend did someone else wrong. The word 'wrong', may I clarify, is very subjective. What I thought was wrong, he may have thought of to have been the longterm best for all who found themselves in that situation. However, the wrong he did to whoever he did the wrong to as a man was unacceptable to my conscience as woman. Even though I am certain most of him is the same person I was dear friends with, some part of me doesn't allow me to take that as the truth, for the wrong he so insensitively did, that value driven friend of mine would have never imagined doing.
As such the emotion I feel is perplexing. I cannot understand exactly how I feel about him. I dont hate him, nor is he my loving friend that he once was, nor does this all not bother me. I guess I'm just going to say 'it's complicated' and make peace with my emotions.
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